3 Things To Learn From Dating That Will Make You A Better Recruiter

Hi everybody it’s your host Richard Milligan, you’re back with another recruiting conversations, I don’t know this is episode something, I can’t even remember what the number is anymore like it’s like episode 35, 36, I don’t know, now you’re confused because now when you listen to 36, if this is 35 you’re like which one am I on, which ones coming next, don’t worry about it. If you’re subscribed to us on iTunes, if you’re subscribed to us in Google Play or Spotify, and we added another platform this week, I can’t remember what it’s called but there’s so many platforms that you have to be on that people listen their music on, or people listen their podcast on, we’re always adding those additional places when we realize they are places of value that people can find us and so we added another new platform this week, but I’m coming to you with a rather humorous topic around recruiting, and this comes up from time to time in these conversations that I have my coaching and the idea is this, is that recruiting is very similar to dating. Now, stay with me here, you know, I think you’ll connect the dots on this in just a second but you know one of the things I know about dating now look I’ve been married for going on 21 years. So, if I still remember what it was like to date however clean I data think for two years so it’s been like 23 24 years since I’ve dated, that’s crazy, that is just crazy sauce right there, but I know that, when I go back I look at dating like dating was kind of crazy like dating involved sorting through crazy people to get to the qualified few, yes and that’s one way that dating is just like recruiting right it’s like the things that happen in recruiting is kind of like being like I’m 46 it’d be like dating at the age of 46, right? It’s like, this is just there’s some things that are just nuts about it, right? People don’t respond the way that they would normally respond you know people goes to you people ask you all kinds of weird and crazy questions, you know one of the things I know about dating is that dating requires everything of you. It just does, and I know a lot of people have just grown weary of dating, cuz it’s just too hard, right? Recruiting is very similar I always say this I think the recruiting leader has the most difficult job in the world, I say that with a lot of empathy, I mean that role for 15 years almost on one side one industry set in that position for almost five years in another industry and one of the things that I know is that it’s just difficult, it’s difficult juggling the leadership piece because you already have a current team in place and all of the things that go into keeping that team in the place you want to keep them or you’re serving them well, you’re leading them well, you’re providing something that’s substantial to them so they can accomplish their dreams and their goals it just takes a special person to be a recruiting leader. It takes a special person to be a recruiter in addition to being you know a recruiting leader.

So, I know that it’s very similar to dating because dating is hard dating is crazy dating requires a lot of you but here’s some perspective on this a lot of people think of recruiting. Like selling, now I spent a lot of time in a career as a salesperson and so I’ve been through training with like spend selling I’ve read a lot of if not most sales books out there, and one of the things that I struggle with as a recruiting leader is actually not trying to sell someone something, like that’s actually very difficult to move away from because look I gotta grow my team, I’ve got to increase my numbers, well that’s a volume or units or contracts or whatever metric it is that you’re growing, if you’re in cells you really hyper focused on that, and there’s this transition that I think all great recruiting leaders go through where they move from being a salesperson to being a relationship builder, and that’s where I think that recruiting is like dating. I think if you’ll if you’ll see recruiting like dating will give you a better perspective on recruiting, and let me just give you some of the some of the reasons why this is true.

Think about all the moving parts for someone when you’re recruiting them, like I’ve moved from one company to another company prior to you know having my own company, and one of the things that I know is just even a conversation with my wife around changing companies, the things that came up, or are we going to have to change our primary care physician, are we gonna have to change the key the kids pediatrician because the insurance is different, are we gonna have to start over with a new co-pay, what’s the new dates of our paychecks, is the prior company going to actually pay me the money that I think that I’m owed, I’m changing platforms as a salesperson and so I’m gonna move from one platform that I know and one support team that I know, I’m gonna move towards another platform that I may not know, and I’m gonna move towards another support team that I do not know, and so there’s just I mean that’s just a couple of like big things that you evaluate, and the list goes on. We started like evaluate all the moving parts for someone you recruit them into your organization you’re really asking for wholesale change, and so, it is a lot like dating because like in dating like you’re dating someone like when Lee and I were dating, yeah. We got three to four months into dating and we were both pretty convinced like this is going to turn into you know, into this forever and ever till death this part thing, and so like there’s a lot of energy and effort that goes into that next part of really getting to know each other, and really trying to figure out what is it what is the happily ever after look like. So, I think that most people on recruiting have some sort of fantasy about like going on a first date proposing and then riding off to the out riding off into the sunset, and that’s just not the way recruiting works. So, we can’t treat it like that right because we are asking for people to make really large changes in their life, and so we need to treat it more like dating. So, you know in reality here’s what it really looked like, for like Lee and I we were dating, it’s like you know I’m not proud to say this but Lee and I actually met in a bar. So, there you have it for any of you that are like young enough that you I don’t have my forever ever till death do us part person, and you’re actually going to bars on a regular basis and your mom and dad are saying you know you can’t find the right person in a bar, well what I know is that you can actually find two very lost people trying to get found in a bar, and that was that was Lee and I and so in you know first interactions are obviously like their synergy they’re like she’s a beautiful girl, I’m an extremely attractive dude, nah! I’m just supposed to be funny but you know you have this short exchange where it’s like hey I like you, I’d like to get your phone number, and then you follow up progression, it isn’t, imagined the person that was like hey I’m just gonna skip over this first part, in the second part, in this third part, this fourth part, I just want to get straight to this conversation of like “hey can we get married” and it’s like hey that’s really weird and for those of you that have happened that had that happen on your first date, I just want to say “I’m sorry” because that that had to have sucked for you to have been put in that situation because that’s just weird it’s awkward because dating really follows kind of a progression. I get your phone number, I call you, right? Have a short conversation or you know a 30-minute conversation with you, and then we set up an actual date, this is what Lee and I did we went on date we left the date went well, and I said hey can I call you again, and can we go out again, and so you know you have a second date, and a third date, and a fourth date, and then way down the line, right? Conversations getting better, we’re getting to know each other, that leads to something else maybe you say I love you, right? Like all of these things take place when you’re dating. So, I think the best recruiters really look at recruiting like that, like so you follow my progression here’s one of the things that you know is that, like we do a lot of research, so I don’t ever blindly call someone, so if you’re in the mortgage industry mobilityRE is a great tool that you can use to actually do research and know your vault, know the volume and units of the person that you’re actually going to call know who they’re doing, who they’re doing business with I can see the list of real estate agents that you’ve actually done loans with, like that’s great information that leads into a better conversation. So, I’m gonna do a lot of research and then when I call you, I’m going to have my phone script memorized, I mean like memorize, memorize, like when I call you with my phone script it’s gonna sound so authentic and so conversational that even when you object, you’re not you’re gonna have a very difficult time saying no to me, okay? So, my phone script says something along the lines of I’ve done a bunch of research on you in my research I see a lot of similarities between your core values and my core values and because of that I’m reaching out to you understanding that in this industry most people transition on average every two to three years, and one of the things that I know is that if something happens a trigger if it happens where you are, and you decide to leave you’ll probably have a shortlist of leaders that you know and you trust and you’ll pick up the phone and call them, and so with that said one of the things that I would like to do is just get to know you, not to try and recruit you in this moment but to try and make the shortlist of leaders that you would call and say hey things are changing over here can we have a conversation, and I realized that the only way I get to that shortlist of leaders you’d be willing to call is to try and build a relationship with you. So, that’s what I’m doing I’m calling you today say hey no recruiting allowed but I would like to get to know you and I would like to find out if we’ve got similar value systems, and then if down the road things change you know how to reach me, that’s a great phone script, what I found is that about thirty to forty percent of people that use that phone script on or something along those lines of that would actually say yes to that, and you have to start dating with that first date or with that first conversation, okay? So, we set that up to something bigger now if you’re more in a regional role and you’re listing this one of the things I would encourage you do is set up that first meeting in like a 10 to 15 minute phone conversation, that makes a lot more sense, than actually taking an entire day out of your skit calendar to go and get with somebody go spend 10 to 15 minutes on the phone and so my ask in that phone script is gonna be this, “look I’ve got 10 to 15 minutes now to talk to you but I realize I’m calling you in the middle of your day so I’m happy to schedule it for later this week but I would love to snagged it 10 to 15 minutes just to get to know you would you be willing to say yes of that I’m available on Thursday afternoon what’s your schedule look like” so that a phone strip wrote works really well, okay? What am I doing, I’m actually just setting up but the next thing the next thing that seems like a natural progression in dating and then what I’m gonna do is that 10 to 15-minute phone call it’s gonna be great energy, I’m gonna find out everything I need to know about you I’m going to leave you wanting more, and so I’m gonna say look I promise to keep this to 10 to 15 minutes we’re up, our time’s up, right now. I would love to get together with you face to face now I’m gonna pause there, and say you’re gonna already know whether you want to get face to face with this person or not. So, we’re not always going to get face to face with somebody but what we will do is we will if we sense that there is alignment that we’ve got some you know similar values that we’re going in the same direction like it’s someone that I I’m 50/50 minimally now that I know I would love to have you on my team, then I’ll actually say look I think I’d a great next step would be for us to grab lunch just to continue conversation again no recruiting allowed, okay? No talking about marriage allowed, right, yes or yes. If you’re recruiting you’re nodding your head right now, because that’s what you should be doing, but it’s not what the entire market does okay let me tell you what the entire market does they literally act like they’re trying to get married on the first date, and that’s just awkward and it creates tension unnecessarily, and you miss out on opportunities because that’s how you recruit. So natural progression is like the normal phone conversation I hear or the normal phone scripting, I hear is are you open to a better opportunity and to that I say bleah! I just threw up on the mic because that is just awful what you’re doing is you’re really forcing yourself into a very small segment of the market to try and appeal to those who are unhappy and already looking for another opportunity and that’s a small part of the market. If you’re recruiting leader and you’re recruiting successful people that already have a book of business that already have, you know these referral partners places that they’re getting business from these people aren’t walking around looking for their next opportunity typically, it doesn’t mean that you don’t run into those situations but for the most part my data, the data that I see says that close to 95% of those people that were after their good where they are at, you call them, they’ll say things like “I’m not interested I’m happy where I met I’m not making a change anytime soon” those are all things that they will say so you trying to show up and throw up your better opportunity on them, there’s nothing to progress you towards the finish line. So, it’s an awful way to try and recruit because it diminishes the results that you have it, diminishes the results that you have in terms of the number of people that you can put into your process and your pipeline to build relationship, okay? And so that’s what we want to focus on is getting those people in a process a building relationship with me because here’s what I believe, “I think that great leaders they have this intangible thing that a lot of people want to be, a lot of people want to align with” they have this thing the ”it” factor where if you if you were to meet with someone you were to present them your it factor. Now, let me just pause and go you may be going what’s the it factor, and what I would say is that the edge factor is you’re clear on your vision, you’re clear on where you’re going, clarity, clarity, clarity, that’s important, and the other part is what’s your value system, what do you believe, what are your core convictions and if you don’t know those you probably don’t have the “it” factor. So, work on your it factor but if you have the it factor and then you can story tell those and if you’re wondering what I’m talking about right now and your lost, go back to a prior podcast, I tell the storytelling, well I talked a lot about that, but if you have that it factor if I put you in front of people in large numbers you are going to win in the large numbers, at scale. I really believe that, and so our process is better when we invite people into a conversation, that’s an on recruiting conversation because I remove the tension, if I’m the needy guy that wants to get married on the first date nobody wants to date me. if I’m the guy that is not needing but is most interested in pursuing you, okay? That’s a key component to dating we pursue let me just add a tagline to that with integrity, we pursue with integrity, know many people pursue with a lack of integrity.

Look I’ve been in the business world now for 21 years in some form of like outside sales or leadership role from the time that I was you 46 now so 21 years ago, what is that I was uh I was in my 20s when I got into some form of leadership role. What I know is that a lot of people are just trying to sell something and when they try to sell some there’s a huge lack of integrity. I think I’ve gone to organizations that sold me on something and then within the first couple of weeks realized that they were pivoting and everything they sold me on they already knew they were going to change, and they changed that and my income was reduced by 60% in literally the first few months that I was with them, like that’s a that’s a lack of integrity. So, when we date someone we pursue with integrity. If the end result is forever and ever till death do us part well if you lack integrity I can already point to where this is gonna go, this is not going to end well, like this person is not going to stay loyal they’re gonna feel like you lack a core value system, they’ll move away from you and they might stay for a year or two years or three years but early on, what we know that data says is that it’s 68% of people say that they determine whether their company’s a good fit in the first 12 months. So, if you don’t honor the things that you say you’re going to do guess what, they won’t they will stay what they’ve already determined that they will leave. So, when we date yes we pursue, we pursue, we pursue, and that’s an important part of that, when you date here’s another thing that you do you are overly affirming. Now, let me just pause there for all you dudes out there that that are married, like how we date is really how we should be married. Now, this isn’t a podcast on marriage but don’t get me started if you want a place to start go check out the 40-day Love Dare, that’s an unbelievable book it’s kind of a rhythm for me I try to go through that one time per year, because it kind of pulls me center, and it says what is this all about what is relationship and marriage all about right it’s about leading my heart not following my heart, it’s about you know walking in a covenant not a contract, it’s that’s a great book by the way if you are newly married or not even newly married have never read that book the 40-day loved there’s a phenomenal challenge to take and I would encourage you to do it, but I digress or did I digress I’m not sure if I if digression would be the right word to use there but when we’re dating we’re overly affirming, okay?

Now the lesson to learn, to be learned here is this the most successful recruiters that I’ve spent time with guess what they are, overly affirming. So, I recently had just uh it was a thirty minute someone got on my calendar for thirty minutes to pick my brain, they’re not a coaching client of mine and by the way I do regularly do that if I’ve got time available give people time to give them input or advice and this wonderful lady got on my calendar, and immediately I could tell like she’s a successful recruiter and the reason why is because she was overly affirming, it was like a natural gifting of hers, and I think this does come more naturally to others but one of the things I know that when we date we do is that we’re overly complimentary, we go out of our way to affirm the individual and affirmation it’s one of the top three forms of motivation for human beings, belonging, affirming, and then meaning, those are the top three ways that we are actually motivated as human beings, and so to be overly affirming is something that we typically do and it comes naturally to us when we date, but you know then some things happen you get married and a lot of times we stop doing that, and so the lesson here for leaders just in all of this if you’re listening to it. I do think there’s an intersection, we’re leading and recruiting overlaps, I think that the best leaders are the best recruiters. When you bring someone into your organization like don’t just affirm them while you’re recruiting them, affirm them while they’re inside your leadership because that’s actually how you retain people, you can’t just be a great recruiter, you’ve got to be a great retainer of people. Now, great leaders just as something that they do they’re life-giving in the way that they affirm people the way that they encourage and inspire people. So, being overly affirming is definitely something that happens when we date, and it’s something that you need to do when you’re recruiting.

Here’s another one, when you’re dating, we tend to put other people’s interest before ourselves. Now if you’re if you’re not married right now, I’m giving you some phenomenal dating tips and you can just you can say thanks and drop me a line like that’s awesome one day when you get married you can say look I learned it from a recruiting podcast. I should be pursuing with integrity I should be overly affirming, and there should be putting the other person’s interest for myself, like those things are all true of what we should be doing on the recruiting side. A lot of people I had this conversation earlier today which is one of the reasons why this is coming up in a podcast. So, one was actually asking me this question: what do you think about this sales funnel would be the grip best way to describe what you think about the sales funnel that I’m creating, and one of the things I said was like your sales funnel simply predicated on your best interest, and what they were doing was they were creating all this company centric content, which was centered around all the awesome things that they do as an organization, and they were going to in essence try to sell that in their sales funnel, that they were going to push out on LinkedIn, Facebook as their what I would call their recruiting blueprint and in that what I what I said was is that that content is relative, but it’s only relative after you’ve brought high value to someone, right? So you kind of think of a sales funnel, you’ve got top of the funnel content, middle of the funnel content, on bottom of the funnel content and a lot of times the bottom of the funnel content is what is about the company about the organization’s more specific now as to the opportunity top of the funnel in the middle of the funnel content is value oriented, it’s not what is your opportunity to look like, it’s not the tool box your company has to offer, it is your how your top of the funnel content is bringing things to your market that allow people to improve, that allow people to grow, that give people insights to improve their business, to improve their lives, to you know to execute on these three things so they can go get more business or develop more relationships, or that’s top that’s what I believe is top of the funnel content and this person was actually pushing content that was come join our organization, that’s putting their interest before the interest of the other person, and so in dating, dating done best is putting the other person before yourself being selfless right and so one of the things that I know is true about routing is this and I teach this in my system is how are we going to give value how are we going to create a value equation. So, for example, my value equation is this podcast right now deliver data content on LinkedIn I write articles on a bi-weekly basis that gives you content on LinkedIn, you can actually go and play whether your coaching client or not, you can go apply my content and go grow yourself as a recruiter, right? YouTube channel, Vimeo channel, like there’s lots of ways that I bring value and all of that is focused on you, my audience, it’s not focused on me. Like I’m not here go my podcast is not and is not you know sign up for my coaching, here’s what I can offer you, right? It’s that’s not what this is and so you got to look at I look at this like I’m dating you, at some point maybe a trigger event will happen, you’ll say I need a coach or I need another resource or or as an organization needing a recruiting strategist or a consultant, and Richards our guy, because Richards actually shown giving us value so you treat recruiting like dating in this area and then you put other people’s interest before yourself so you give, and you give, and you give with no strings attached in that and when you do it that way what happens is that people will actually reciprocate, right? It’s like Brian Tracy had a law back in the 1980s called the law reciprocity, and I think we’ve lost sight of that human behavior has not changed one bit, you follow Gary V, Gary V calls us something different he calls a jab jab jab right hook, but it’s a value, value, value and then you actually can ask for something, right? but is no different then I think was Robertson Dali wrote a book called the power of influence in the in the 1980s, and the context of everything that I just said was true 30, 40 years ago, just as it’s true today. We haven’t changed a bit, so when we put other people’s best interests before our own best interest guess what people are likely to respond in kind, people are likely to reciprocate, and all of that is aligned with dating okay so here’s what I’m here’s I’m going to leave you with you know the the best recruiters are ones that put other people’s, other people’s best interest in front of themselves, and it’s not just now like I say the best recruiters like I say the best recruiting a leader, so recruiter / leader the best leader does the same thing, right? So, when the dating is over and you have that person in the till death do us part piece of this that’s when the real work begins, just like it does in a marriage, right? All the fun, fancy highlight real stuff is now over, another real work begins, and I’ll leave you with this, I once saw study, and in the study they were analyzing why do marriages not work, like why do people get divorced, and I was blown away by the number two reason why people get divorced. So, I think most people know number one reason is because of financial difficulties, financial disagreements, right? We’re going through a hard time financially someone doesn’t manage money well there’s a lack of money or whatever the money issue is most people that get divorced that’s the number one, issue but the number two issues I saw in the survey was this couples that work that got divorced that were surveyed said that they got divorced as a second primary reason because they stopped dreaming together. I pause there for dramatic effect as leaders recruiting and leading is a lot like dating and marriage, when we stop dreaming with our people, we really leave our people available to anybody else to recruit. One of the most powerful questions you as a leader can ask, or you as a recruiter can ask, while you’re recruiting is what is something dreaming that you’d like to accomplish the next five years. I’ll give that to you again as a leader or as a recruiter no matter whether you’ve already got someone on your team, or whether you’re trying to get someone on your team, one of the most powerful questions you can ask is around the stream concept, what is something dreamy you would like to accomplish in the next five years, and the you lean ear and you listen, and if you can help that person accomplish that dream that they have which by the way no one’s ever asked them, okay? 46 years old started my for my first corporate job when I was 19 you worked the math 27 years in business I think that that’s right if I map that out got fingers and toes out, 27 years in business never had a single leader ask me what’s your dream how can I help you accomplish it, the person that asked that on the recruiting side and the leader that asked that to their team is the one that not only has success recruiting but is the one that has success retaining, when they actually help that individual accomplish it. So, we use a little humor at the beginning yes Recruiting Is like dating we’re getting really serious here at the end, let me tell you this over the next couple of weeks, we’ve teed up some phenomenal podcasts for you that I want to invite you to come back to over the next couple of weeks. I’m going to be sharing my content creation box now those of you that know anything about me, you know that I post regularly in a number of different platforms Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Instagram, I post more. I post three times a day approximately sometimes more on LinkedIn and so I actually have a system around how I create content that I think is very valuable to anybody who’s in the recruiting leader role and you have to be delivering content today, your leadership brand is closely connected to the successes that you’re going to have on the recruiting side. So, I’m going to share my content creation box and if you watch my youtube channel you’ll know I’ll have a video I’ll actually show you the content creation box and what’s in it. So, that will be over the next couple weeks, another thing is this look here we are into mid October the end of 2019 is coming quickly, look in the here’s how I know it was like 30-some degrees in Oklahoma where I reside last week, and I was just like this is too fast we can’t skip, the week before is like a hundred degrees, we skip right into the 30s I’m like this is too fast, I need fall all right new year is coming, that tells me that the year-end is coming we got to be planning for 2020. Now, I love the fact that number 2020 is the upcoming year, 2020 vision, there’s just too many things that that you can use that number for so planning for 2020 should already be beginning, and we’ll discuss a process the next couple of weeks which is a very simple recruiting process that I take the people that I coached through, I call it my do rag process, and you know I love to use like simple acronyms or things that are very memorable but I want but do-rag, do r a g I’ll teach you my very simple process for planning and how you can actually begin to look into 2020 and begin to assess like what do you want to accomplish, where do you want to go what does it look like in that first quarter coming up, and so I’ll be sharing that also the next couple of weeks. So, with that said thanks for listening, I enjoyed my time talking to myself today, and I appreciate you tuning in, and so until we talk again on the next recruiting conversations, thanks so much for listening to this, and I look forward to seeing you again or talking to you again on the next podcast have a great week everybody.